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The Definitive List of Women I Would Leave My Fiancé For

There are important things to establish before going into a marriage, and I think the most important is, “But seriously, who would I ditch you for in a heartbeat?” And while I am of the opinion that no men could sway me from my special dudefriend of choice, let’s be real: the heart wants what the hearts wants.

Here is my (unranked!) list of women who can get it, if by “it” we mean my heart and devotion. August Baker, consider yourself warned.

Gillian Anderson

Gillian Anderson fell entirely off of my radar after the X-Files ended. She was bold and didn’t take any shit as Scully, and I kind of wanted to be her, in that I wanted to be that confident and outspoken, and also in that I wanted to have babies with Fox Mulder. So.

But then she comes back in Hannibal, and she is arresting. I think Carrie Fisher1 is quoted as saying that it’s easy to be hot in your 20’s and 30’s, and that’s true, as far as I can tell. Youth does a lot of the heavy lifting for you, but damn. Sometimes you come out of youth and you’re like, “Hot is just the thing that I am, all of the time, my whole existence,” if you’re Gillian Anderson.

Gillian Anderson is not just attractive, but she’s intelligent too. Every time I read quotes from Gillian Anderson, I’m more and more convinced that my focus on David Duchovny as a teenager was wrong-headed and stupid. Not that he’s not great, but Gillian Anderson is the whole package. Long live Gillian Anderson.

Also, she’s a great blonde. I am in no way attracted to blond men, and usually not blonde women, but damn.

Gwendoline Christie

Seriously, my heart skips beats when I think about how flawless Gwendoline Christie’s whole aura is. I know less about Gwendoline Christie than I do Gillian Anderson, but she seems just as savvy and bold. Her name is pure romance, like a princess except that princess is Brienne of Tarth and she will kick your ass but is also honorable as fuck.

Also, Gwendoline Christie has a smile and a radiance and a vibe about her that says she loves her life, and what she’s doing. Inside and outside, Gwendoline Christie appears to be just stunning — heart-stoppingly gorgeous.

Kate McKinnon

Kate McKinnon is a new entrant on this list and is based entirely on how Very Attracted I am to her nerdy hippy schtick as it appears in the upcoming Ghostbusters promo images. Her hair is flawless. And then, watching the new trailer, it became apparent that she may actually be walking, living Sex Embodied. She catapulted into my heart with this motion:


And also this:


As the saying goes, I will be in my bunk. I look forward to sighing wistfully whenever someone mentions her name for many years to come.

Shoutout: Fantasy Girlfriend Éowyn

We all know that Éowyn isn’t real, so the fiancé is safe on this front. (Obviously, every other entrant on this list is going to come knocking down my door once they know it’s open.) But Fantasy Girlfriend Éowyn is a thing that happened last time we rewatched Lord of the Rings. 

Éowyn is a boss. She maybe makes some poor romantic decisions, but she’s fighting for her family and stomping off to war and killing mystical nightmare beasts. She’s focused and dedicated. She laughs and finds joy in the hard times of war. She lives in Rohan (THE BEST).


In a days-long series of tweets that I can no longer find (c’est la Twitter) there was a reimaging of her as Fantasy Girlfriend Éowyn. She wears flannel and briefs around the house, and can grill but can’t cook to save her life, and is an expert cuddler and better listener, et cetera. She’s a fantasy girlfriend. She’s everything.

Also, I may, in fact, be attracted to blonde women. Who knew?

1. Who I would want to indoctrinate into my girl’s group but would not leave my fiance for. I want her advice and her guidance and I guess probably not get drunk with her, since she has a history of substance abuse. Our group tries to be supportive and not enable destructive habits, unless that destructive habit is some great sex and the drought has been longer than three months. There are rules.